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This is something that, since the children were born, I have been more and more aware of. It's cause alot of anguish on my part mostly because I want to be able to match my husband's sex drive but just can't. The only thing we can do about it is to keep talking. He knows I still love him and that when my body is willing sex is still great, it just doesn't happen like it did when we were newly-weds.

I suppose the advantage of that, if your spouse is as understanding as mine is, is that sex stops being a pre-sleep habit and becomes something occasional but to be cherished. I would rather have good sex than frequent sex :-)

Hi there

I recall when each of our three were young. My wife fed them all for over a year, and sex was not easy. Our 'drives' have always been different anyway, but we learned a lot about intimacy generally, and what we could do with our hands and fingers and tongues in particular. But it maybe that you have no inclination.

At least talking about it can be wonderful as well. And from the male perspective, if the wife brings up the subject, I can assure you that the husband will be delighted!

Truthfully, your bloke is not being honest with you if he's "being understanding". My wife and I went through all that, her not being intimate, aggressive, planning "the moment", and me being "understanding". After several years of that rubbish I finally let her know that it was completely unfair to me as a person and that I wanted to not reach my old age without my fair due of love making, kids or no kids. Sure, it was difficult to fully express my pent-up and repressed anger over the situation, because I didn't want to "rock the boat" of our marriage, but the turmoil of it all has led to  what I wanted all along: my wife to be a perfect lady and explempary mother, and then to be a total strumpet with me privately.

Now, before you become quite offended, let me just say that our marriage is now at an unbelievable place. When we are together, around friends, kids or family, there is now an intimacy that is always present and always keeps us smiling and wanting to be with each other. What men want and need, is our wives to kiss us, hold us, stroke our egos by telling us how much she can't wait to "be" with us, to look us in the eyes with loving and playful lustiness and to do the 'visual' things that men are known to crave. We want the tension of sexual attraction and expectations to build up in us (and then not to be let down). It doesn't matter to us about the body changes as we age or as woman have children. What matters in when the door to the bedroom closes and the wife lets you know that you're the object of her affection and her purpose in life.

If you want to know the truth about how to make your husband and yourself happy, ask him, openly and honestly if he'd like you to be this way. My wife is now, truly, my best friend and most trusted person in my life and all my blokes are truly jealous of me. Good luck.

Good honest blokes reply!

When a wife is beat from 24hours looking after the kids, being climbed upon and even breastfeeding, the last she wants is her other half demanding his matrimonial rights.

But as any bloke with three kids under 5 who still loves his wife and finds her sexy knows, his own sex drive does not go down.  Indeed, after years of the church saying no sex until you are married, then you get married and start a family, you suddently find kids are a better legalistic way of sayng no sex than the church!

But if you love your wife, you'll have patience as making love is just that, love, and it is a balance of giving of yourself for each others needs (including sexual), but respecting each other as people who need space, including sexual space.

How have others coped?

Sometime you need to recognise each others sexual needs.

If you are not feeling up to it, full sex that is, what can't you give pleasure to the other partner through hand relief or oral sex?

The rest of married life is giving of one's self for the other, so why not sex.

Agreeing to full sex when you are not fully willing would not be a true act of love, but recognising your partner's sexual needs, and helping him/her would be. 

Wow...and I bet we all thought we were alone in this!  I'd love to know how long some of you have been married. I know after our two boys were born it was well over a year before we had sex again.  After some agonizing conversations, turns out my spouse found breast feeding a turn off. But because he knew of the benefits, he didn't say anything. The worse part was, because he didn't say anything, I thought he had lost interest in me!  Prenatal classes don't help...all that nonesense about "you can have sex after 6 weeks"...sorry guys, who wants sex when you're so sleep deprived you're not sure if it's daytime or night???  Nova - you're right, health professionals should be a lot more forthcoming with that kind of information...it might save a lot of people from emotional hardship once they have kids.

I've not seen anyone post anything about their drives being more than their spouse's...surely there are women out there who want it more than their men???